September 12, 2016
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We Laugh That We May Not Weep
Caring for my 91-year-old mom has been, and still is, an enlightening experience. While there have been times when her aging brain, combined with her generally "you're not the boss of me" attitude, have made for some aggravating moments. But those are mostly forgotten and certainly forgiven, when I reflect on what valuable lessons I'm learning about that stage of human life we prefer not to imagine.
Mom's been living in a granny flat behind my garage for nearly twenty-five years now. When I first started coaxing her to move in with me, I was single and so was she. She was still active and I saw many advantages to having a live-in gardener, pet sitter, etc. I couldn't really imagine her growing old and becoming feeble of mind and body even though in theory, it was probable. Thankfully, Mom had the good sense to drag her feet, knowing that at forty, I wasn't finished with serial monogamy. When I brought Mike home from a mountain bike trip just a few months later, and moved him into what would have been her bedroom, her caution was validated. As luck would have it, he liked the idea of having her live with us and promptly built her a granny flat.
For many years we enjoyed our little family of three. Mike and Mom love to argue; and so, they spent hours discussing a topic to death only to swap sides a few days later and beat it to death again. Mom kept our yard looking like a park and we had live in security. I had the pleasure of my best friend's company any time I wanted. But gradually, age took its toll.
Today Mom mostly sits in her Lazy Boy recliner watching TV or doing crossword and jigsaw puzzles. He memory is almost gone but she still functions well enough to be home alone for several hours at a time. When she suffered a noticeable slip in her cognitive abilities a couple of weeks ago, I was alarmed. She recovered somewhat so I chalked it up to a little dehydration and started pushing her to drink more water. It started me thinking about end-of-life things and how little I know about them. Like, if you find Mum dead in the bed, who ya gonna call?
I just finished reading Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach so, of course, I am thinking about all the options. When she wrote the book in 2003, there was a new technology, developed by a woman in Sweden, that entailed freeze drying a corpse and breaking it into compostable fragments. A human body would return to nutrient rich earth in a short time without any adverse impact environmentally. So far, it doesn't look like the practice has caught on, at least not in my area, as I didn't find any freeze drying facilities when I Googled it. However, her book did point out the numerous ways a cadaver can be utilized in the scientific community for the benefit of future generations. None of these uses are for contemplation by the squeamish so I won't describe them here, but do read the book if you are even slightly interested. Mary Roach can make you laugh out loud even when describing a field where cadavers are scattered about to measure rates of decomposition of various parts under different conditions.
This afternoon, I decided to knuckle under and do the research to learn what happens, or rather what I have to do to make it happen, when someone dies. First I went back to talk to Mom to make sure that she didn't care if they used her body for a crash dummy when she was through with it. She hadn't considered that option before but figured if it turned out to be cheaper than cremation, she was all for it. She may not remember much but she hasn't changed her penurious way of thinking. She told me to do whatever was the easiest and cheapest for me. Ever the considerate one, she added that, even though she no longer had diarrhea, she was wearing the adult diapers to bed at night (my sister had provided them when mom had diarrhea last week). I asked if she had experienced any leakage in that area and she said no, but in case she died in bed, she thought it might save the mattress. How can you not love what's left of a mom like that?
Comments (14)
I think I love your mother!! Wearing the Depends to save the mattress - just in case - is absolutely what I'd do!! I think she is downright Midwestern thrifty. Are you sure we aren't related?! hehe! And she doesn't look 91 at all. I have had a recent conversation with my mother - she told me what songs she wanted sung at her funeral. She doesn't much care what happens to her body but is very concerned that she be "sung into heaven" with the right songs...
We are definitely cut from that same pragmatic, Midwestern cloth. It was no accident that I found your blog and felt a connection. It's interesting that your mom knows what songs she wants sung at her service. My grandpa died when I was about four and I remember very little of him. But, I clearly remember the singing of "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" at his service. Sixty years later, I think of Grandpa when I hear it.
Your mom's doctor should be able to help you with some of the answers. UC San Diego Medical School has a cadaver donation program that will pick up the body -- all you have to do is call them asap after death. (fill out some forms ahead of time and have her sign them). But if she's still enjoying the puzzles and the tv, she has a lot of life left before you get to that point! I engaged a therapist to help me with coping ideas --he was super helpful with behavior modification ideas, etc. to ease the 'discussions' -- if you wish, I'd be happy to chat with you!
From what I understand, the universities ask the one donating the cadaver to foot the cost of transporting the body. I found several other organizations that will take care of everything at no cost. They are probably selling the parts to others.
You're right about her not being even close to the end. She longs for this life to be over but if her older sister is an indication of what is in store, she has at least four or five years ahead of her. Her doctor seems focused on prolonging her life by any means, so I have little confidence that he will be a good source of the kind of information she seeks. We may have to find a doctor who is more sympathetic to end-of-life choices. As for help with the discussions, we have never had any difficulty discussing any topic no matter how delicate. As the Joan Baez song says, "I had a momma who sang to me an honest lullaby".
murisopsis, that is a pretty old photo. The haircut has improved since then, but she's still wearing the same shoes. She figures there's no point in replacing them now....you know the rest of that one.
Actually, she had given up the shoes. She now wears slippers without socks. I'm glad I'm not the one who washes her feet!
Your mom looks great, and look how methodically she lines up the jigsaw pieces; I am not so methodical when I do one; there are clumps of two and four pieces here and there, with the border done, and a pile of leftovers waiting to be used.
I don't see it in it's entirety but I love the drawing of the fellow holding the chicken.
I never thought of crash test dummy as an option after death. I always thought they used those made made ones like they show in car crash commercials.
@Crystalinne: Isn't that drawing wonderful? It came from the Philippines.
If you have any interest in the "life" of a cadaver, I wholeheartedly recommend Mary Roach's book. She does an amazing job of researching he topics. Packing for Mars was another good one.
@judyrutrider: I think the topic of choices after death is interesting, but I think I will have to pass on the book. When my daughter died (nearly 3months of age), they offered us an option to pay to get a detailed copy of her autopsy. I guess to make sure they did a thorough job in looking for cause of death, but the idea of reading of someone cutting into her flesh grossed me out. Strangely I can watch some Doctor, investigative, or horror movies and be somewhat ok with it. Maybe it's because I know that's fake.
I remember seeing slices of a woman at Science and Industry. It was fascinating but no way, no how. Not my idea of what to do with a body, especially one I love.
Never thought about a crash test dummy. Sounds funny but only on someone else who wanted that to happen. 
I really relate to your writing about your mother. My Aunt "Mebby d.age 87(surroggate mother) began losing it near the end, as did her mother, Gramma Moaky d.age 96, and my own beloved Mother d. age 89. Each of them were moral and ethical saints and monumental in their own way. Since I am 75, this subject of 'end of life' gets more interesting as time passes, as surely will even " I " Aaahk! I can't quite immagine a world without 'me.' My 'significant other' handles this subject better than I. Bless you and your mother. Lloyd
@mcbery: "someone who wanted that to happen"? Like a crazy mountain biker? No, seriously, I get that too. In theory, it seems like a good idea to give young surgeons an opportunity to practice on someone who isn't going to suffer if they botch the job. But, MY MOM! I'll have to think about it more carefully.
@saltypepper1357: I suspect we women are just generally better at talking about matters of the heart. Guys, as my SO explains it, have all these little boxes that contain different elements of their lives. Some of those boxes just aren't meant to be opened until absolutely necessary.
I like that bit about 'your SO says' "guys...have all these little boxes that contain different elements of their lives..." some are more private or 'as needed' - I asked me if this fit me and, ... I think so. I like the schema.
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